10 Weeks Post Treatment – CANCER SUCKS

Wow.  Yes it’s been 10 weeks since the last treatment.  To give an update of what’s been going on all I can say is ‘CANCER SUCKS!’.  There isn’t enough room here to give every little detail of what we’ve been through with this horrible disease.  I have changed the word to describe ‘disease’ several times.  There are so many words I want to call it. 

We were told for every week of treatments to expect a week of after effects.  Since we had 7 weeks of treatments I eagerly awaited the 7^th week after.  Sadly, it came and went.  There have been so many ups and downs.  Good days and bad days.  Enough already.  Please let me off the ride.  I want to go home.  I am so sad that our normal is gone.  We have lost so many things that we will never get back.  It has been like going through a period of mourning after an incredible loss.  I want the lump in my throat to go away from holding in my emotions to keep the bus moving.  Am I angry?  Hell yes!  Damn you cancer.  Please leave my loved ones and I alone.  We don’t want you here.  You are not welcome.  Never were.  Just when we thought the light at the end of the tunnel was getting brighter it was only to realize it was a train coming the other way to knock us off the rails yet again.

Unless you’re here deep in the trenches there is no way to describe our experience.  As with any illness or any event for that matter, everyone’s experience is different.  We’ve been hard at this for 22 weeks now.  That’s 11 fortnights…a blink of an eye…crazy time warp. As much as it feels that time flew by it also felt like crawling through quicksand.  I can’t really explain it.  I just know we’re outta gas.  The car is broke down by the side of the road.  The reservoir is empty.  Solomon says ‘life is but a puff of smoke’.  I can hang on to that.  Life is like a mist that rises into the air and evaporates.  This too shall pass.  Thank you thank you to everyone’s higher power (whatever you call it) that there is another side to this journey.

Every sphere of our life has been shaken:  personal / spiritual / family / career / financial.  Without balance in each of these areas you fall quickly into survival mode only.  Oh yes.  We will survive and look back on this someday.  Until then, we hang on battle weary at the knot at the end of the rope that is worn and frayed.  Knowing that you are all under that rope pushing us up gives us great strength.

I apologize for not posting often.  To me it was another blink of an eye but I’ve been on the front line in this battle.  We were hunkered down in the bunker with little reserves.  I put a lot of energy into my posts through notes, calendar entries and online research to try and explain the moment.  I write, re-write, walk away many times.  It can be draining on one hand like reliving it all over again.  But it is also cathartic to get it off my chest.  My patient is very important and to him my dedication lies.  To my followers who missed me or wonder what’s going on please feel free to email or comment at any time.  Even one quick line could be all we need to get through the current challenge.  Even to hear your voice on a voicemail gives us strength.  And as hope promises, life outside these doors went on as normal.  That said even more duties filled my calendar.  Without a reality show camera crew following me around I couldn’t document it all.  Though I do await my call from Steven Spielberg to start working on my screenplay.  I have contacted Matthew McConaughey to play Ken (for his rippling abs and cute little dimples) and Sandra Bullock to play me (Ken’s choice).  All I’ve got back so far is a restraining order…jk.  Grandbaby Mia of course will play herself.  Those who know her will understand and smile.  I love her so much.  Watching her personality and life develop has been the sunshine of my soul.  Being there when she was born and being the first to hold her I believe creates a beautiful spiritual bond.  I miss having my regular Nana duties as often as I did have with all my babies.

Thanks for hanging in long enough to get here and reading my rant.  To update on Ken…he is showing his incredible determination and fighting back hard.  I am extremely proud of him.  We went through what we thought was strep throat a few weeks ago like we needed that on top of an already sore and swollen throat.  Then we got the results back and it wasn’t strep.  Just cancer giving us one last (hopefully) kick in the stomach.   His neck gets very puffy which looks alarming but the doctors say it’s normal.  Treatments (radiation and chemo) beat him down to a cellular DNA level.  Kind of like hitting CTRL/ALT/DEL on your computer and praying that it boots back up like normal.  Now his body has to fight to reconnect the dots.  I know he is frustrated at the setbacks.  But the doctors say he is miles ahead of other patients and doing well.  Normal…huh… ‘I choose to dislike that word’ (I teach my children that they cannot use the word ‘hate’.  We ‘choose to dislike’ things! Try it sometime).  His voice is raspy and we have to pace his use of it.  Email and text messages are greatly accepted.  We have to always remember to have water around now with no saliva glands.  Even a walk around the block caught us off guard with that need one day.  In the food world we have had some good progress in what he could get down.  But this last setback has us back to Ensure mostly again.  To those who know his stubborn side he forced down a very goopy small sub a few weeks ago because he misses his ‘Dagwood’ sandwiches so much! He has been very tired lately so I tiptoe around a lot.  But he does have some very incredible moments as well.  By mid afternoon his spunk starts to return and I see a glimpse of my Kenny I miss so much.  For every bad there is a good in life so I look forward to the next round of good. 

Some days I sit and wonder what it would be like to find a FAST FORWARD button on this journey, as I long to get back to a more (new) ‘normal’ life.  As we know these don’t exist and we must face these journeys and take note of the lessons learned.

HANG IN THERE KENNY! 

WE ALL APPRECIATE YOU AND ARE STANDING ON THE SIDELINES CHEERING YOU ON! 

LUWAMH SAMMY!